I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
