Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
