flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
