she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You're like the curious george of whores
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
