I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
