I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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