i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
