I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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