Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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