I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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