i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
operation have a gay friend backfired
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Randomize
