I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
