Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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