everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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