Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
