I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
