Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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