My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
