She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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