i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A+ Viking dick
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