Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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