i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize