Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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