Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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