I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
