i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
