I accidentally burped into my bong.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
