Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
