just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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