It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
