I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
