put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
