I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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