I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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