his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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