I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
