***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
