remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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