You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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