took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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