mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
