i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
