I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
