a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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