im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is Oprah even human
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
