You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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