Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
