No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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