Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
