I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize