just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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