her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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