I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
