She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
