I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm like, not good at living.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
