i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
