shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
