Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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