i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
