if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize