She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
