the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
