i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
