This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize