clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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