I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
