I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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