After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
